“Is waterboarding torture?” I want everyone who considers this an interesting question to get the fuck out of my country. Go live in fucking Yemen or something. Here’s the rule: Don’t do evil things to people. If what you want to do is close enough to torture to prompt a national hairsplitting festival, then don’t fucking do it. Why do you even want to do things like that? What the fuck is wrong with you?

I’m sorry, Mr. Hitchens, you missed it. Is waterboarding torture? I don’t give a shit. Here’s a better question. Why are you asking this stupid, filthy, deeply twisted question? Here’s the rule we follow in my country, when it’s not run by a kakistocracy: Don’t do anything, to anyone, that’s even a little bit like torture, ever. Why didn’t you put that in your Vanity Fair piece? How much did they pay you to say something “interesting,” rather than that?

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